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A fabulous 4 days spent with Paul Poole scrambling through some of Snowdonia's best mountain Really down to earth guys, made it a really enjoyable process right from the start. Paul's passion Over the past 18 months I have attended several of Paul's mountaineering courses and mentoring days.
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He's a great, down to earth guy with a wealth of knowledge and experience when it comes to climbing and mountaineering. I can't recommend him enough! Spent a day in the Snowdonia hills with Paul as part of a small group refreshing some navigation skills using "contour-only" maps. Paul has an excellent coaching style which really encourages people to learn and is very approachable. Highly recommended! Flights Vacation Rentals Restaurants Things to do. Cart 0. Tip: All of your saved places can be found here in My Trips.
Log in to get trip updates and message other travelers. Profile Join. Log in Join. Paul Poole Mountaineering - Day Climbing. Tours , Outdoor Activities , Climbing Tours. Review Highlights. Reviewed May 19, I was also very interested in the ways in which Martha is initially consoled by "Ash. To me, this may actually be a commentary on the ways in which bots and other algorithm-based computer-based programs can seem, or attempt to seem, capable of simulating conversation or seeming human enough to fool a person passing the Turing test.
Could a bot, if its programming was complex enough and it could process the data set of a life lived mostly online, successfully mimic a human to such a degree that one could desire the physical manifestation of that electronic persona? Black Mirror seems to be saying, in this episode, that while programming may be able to mimic humanity successfully, it can only do so while firmly contained within a screen -- there is something about mimicking the human body that disturbs, that cannot "pass.
Great post Sarah. I was very tempted to propose writing something similar myself but I wouldn't have probably made the Frankenstein link even though it is clearly there to be made. For me it's a bit of an odd episode because purely as entertainment I find it the least interesting, yet it's probably the most powerful in franchise in terms of representing our uneasy relationship with technology when it becomes too uncanny.
Using your Frankenstein analogy I think the most unsettlingly element of the show for me is the subtext that we ourselves are our own Dr Frankenstein, we unwittingly turn ourselves into monsters when we feed our emotions, thoughts and desires into social media. Consciously or not we attempt to create a better version of ourselves online but that 'image' can unwittingly become grotesque and further more can potentially escape our control; be that by the hands of other people as illustrated by Jon Ronson in his new book "So You've Been Publicly Shamed' or, and more relevantly here, by algorithms beyond the average user's comprehension.
I very much like your phrase "android in the attic" but I would extend it out beyond the specific context of the show to say that in creating the monster just mentioned we all now live with 'androids in the attic'. That's to say we all both create and interact with constructs of ourselves and others online on a daily basis that do not require death to be activated.
But of course when death does occur these creations in the form of social media profiles live on and haunt those we have left behind. This can best be illustrated by the numerous cases across the world in which people have died yet show up in phantom advertising. Some of which I have lazily bullet-pointed in order not to hog the page an unbecoming habit!
A case of the quasi "Real Doll"'s personality needing "firmware updates"? Dumb smart-meat? Thanks Robert! I agree that that the online self can become something grotesque and the link with public shaming is yet another avenue the show explores in the White Christmas episode where one character ends up being both blocked and shamed. I also like your extension of the android in the attic. Plus in my experience he is unavailable and unstable. Another thought-provoking post.
One thing that caught my attention is the possibility of the partner's affection and affirmation helping the inadequate-feeling one overcome those feelings. As a woman in a relationship with a man who struggles with this to in my opinion an inexplicable degree and who has needed great reassurance and coaxing and patience to be able to open himself and start to trust it's been a year and a half and progress is snail-paced , I really do hope that the feelings will one day be a thing of the past. For now, he states fairly often that he's "selfish" to "keep me" and that if he were stronger, he would let me go, because he's doing wrong by being with me.
Presumably because I would find someone "better" if he weren't holding me back. I love him and I think he is an exceptional person. He's been through some things in his life, though, that have left him wary and wounded. So I shower him with my very real love and esteem and hope for the best: that he's not irreparably broken and that one day he will accept that he is in fact worthy. I kid with that comment title, but the man you're describing sounds awfully familiar - that feeling and behavior is exactly what I was discussing in my post and that I have experienced and exhibited myself many times.
I think he's very fortunate to have a woman like you - though I wouldn't hope to change "him" so much as help change his perception of himself. As you say, he is exceptional, but he would disagree. The women I went through this with would inevitably say "do you believe me when I say you're wonderful? In other words, he has to believe it himself - you can help get him there, but you can't change his mind. Thanks so much for your comment - please feel free to respond to other commenters as well, since you have that valuable "other person" perspective.
That is precisely his reaction, or was, in the early days. There seem to have been progressive layers of his trust I call it trust, I don't know what other word to use. I often tell him, if he says something self-denigrating or deflects a deserved compliment, that his judgement is terrible. He laughs, but I think it gets through. He's been a curious sort of "project" for me; I've never been involved with someone like him who's needed such painstaking care. But I simply think the world of him. I love and adore him and think he's brilliant. But it has taken a lot to get him to feel comfortable with that.
Again, if it hits a dead end because our relationship is not as "far" at this point as I hope it can go; yes, I do want to live with him, marry him, etc. But I will have given my love and attentions honestly, because they're very honestly felt. And I do hope it will have done him some good, taken away some of the self-doubt. I'm interested in your comment that you've "never been involved with someone like him who's needed such painstaking care.
Feeling inadequate often involves feeling guilty for imposing on others; if a man doesn't feel he's good enough to deserve your love, he may feel he would be "taking" more from you than he's "giving" to you. So I would be careful about mentioning to him how much care he needs or that you see him as a "project" , as those brush too close to pity see the next paragraph.
Instead--if you don't do these things already--mention how much he does for you, how good his love makes you feel, how happy and proud you are to be with him. Also, most men that I know, no matter how self-assured or not , don't want to be taken care of--we want to take care of others, especially those we love. So in addition to giving him love and affection which are great, but are also consistent with pity , it is important to let your man know how well he takes care of you and how much you need him.
A completely unexpected response, yet one whose thoughts seem, post facto, plainly true — which is of course, why your blog is so sharp. I'll admit to my own sleight-of-hand. I don't tell my man that he has needed a lot of care. I just have taken care, because he is worth it, to me, and because there is no other way to him than doing it that way. Unfortunately, for me, I am wary of being taken care of.
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I'm not very "typical" as far as women go, which is why it gave me a funny buzz to state above that I want to live with and marry him. An admission that makes me feel like someone else, but which is true, here, in this relationship, for me. In any case, that's the strange paradox. As he's opened up and felt more trusting, he's moved to take care of me, more.
I can't recommend him enough! - Paul Poole Mountaineering - Day Climbing
But I feel taken off guard with that. It's surprising, but I see your point. No, he doesn't want to feel infantilized. But can I let him care for me?
She Wasn't Good Enough For Him, a song by Reba McEntire on Spotify
That's a new can of worms. Thanks so much - and it sounds like you're "handling" your man just right, though the irony of your own feelings is fascinating. I'm confident you two will help each other through it, though. Not only do you require it, you essentially are denying yourself oxygen when you push a caring woman away. Women are care givers If any woman offers you her care, you can rest assured that no matter how you feel about yourself, no matter what you have done in your life If she loves you You have to power to be the man you want to be.
Thanks for your post Anonymous and for the reply, Mark. My first impression was: wow, my spouse Reads PT?!? I'm probably too old to say LOL, but I did! This post could have been about me and my wonderful, patient wife. Does you guy have these feelings in all areas of his life, or just some? For example, my feelings centered on how I compared to other guys, especially ones my wife spends time with at work - they seem so funny, wear suits, and have all their hair, damn them. This triggered old feelings, including one that I don't know how to explain Does that make any sense?
But I am pretty confident when it comes to other things, like my job - I enjoy speaking to large groups and do somewhat dangerous fieldwork in remote places. If this is the case for your guy try to notice those areas where he has success and feels in his element and make sure he does those things as often as possible. Make the arrangements. And go with him if you can.
So much of my problem was not being in my element very often, consequences of a relocation and a growing, busy family. I agree with Mark that you can't change someone else, but you might remind him what he does well and in what circumstances he feels comfortable. I could tell that it was a great relief for my wife to get a glimpse of the more-confident, happy guy she married once upon a time.
You're welcome, Samuel! And I'm glad you have a wonderful wife who shows you all the good she thinks of you. Interestingly enough, you're right, his sense of unworthiness doesn't apply to all parts of his life. He's very confident, professionally. He is very well-liked by many friends.
Your suggestions sound good. I have been talking about his work with him more and more. We didn't used to, in the beginning; he's in a completely different field than I am, and I don't know anything about what he does, really. We have important outside interests that we share, which is what we used to spend most of our time talking about in the early days.
Now, I see part of his trust in the fact that he is increasingly sharing his work life with me, teaching me about that. And when he does that, maybe it does make him see himself in a "stronger" light. And also that I will love someone who does what he does, even though it's not supposedly up my alley. Hm, actually, come to think of it, I think he did worry about not being in a field that was as X, Y, Z as I would have wanted; now, he shows how he masters what he does, and that does make him feel good about himself, even if he doesn't do such-and-such that people I know or have been with in the past do.
I'm curious, what do you think are the causes? Maybe there are going to be relationships where one person has more perceived "value" at a given time? Or are some predisposed to feel this way no matter who they are with? Life experience? And does the dynamic exist from the start or arise later? Thanks for the questions, but I think a complete answer to any of them would merit an entire blog post. But very briefly, I think feelings of inadequacy can come from many sources, such as the ones you mentioned: upbringing, early experiences, predisposition, philosophy, etc.
The nature of the dynamic is interesting, too--maybe some of the other commenters can pitch in here too, since I can only speak from my experiences, in which it set in early sometimes before the relationship was even initiated , and usually never went away, so it ended up affecting the relationship throughout. Yes, pretty much the same experience here. Though interestingly it really kicked up a notch when the demands of raising the kids kicked in. I figure everyone has their challenges - this is one of mine. And fortunately it just requires some extra courage and faith to get through!
In the first comment, Samuel wondered if this was mainly a problem with men, and I said I hoped some women would comment, not only ones with experiences with men who feel inadequate, but also ones with similar feelings of inadequacy. Please don't take that the wrong way--I don't "hope" that there are a lot of such women out there--but if there are, I hope to hear from some.
I can't comment from a women's perspective, of course. But for me it was about the switch from being a husband most of the time to being a father most of the time. I remember being a fun and I think! And there was just no way to get away from the kids long enough to get that feeling back.
So when I compared myself as "her guy" to other guys in her life they were either a single, b without kids, or c whithout kids at that particular moment. And that was pretty intimidating sometimes. In essencce I was comparing the "former me" husband with the "current me" dad and realizing that, yeah, she probaly had more fun with the former me too. Not that I regret having kids, but there's this phase along the way I've heard women express similar concerns about being a wife and mother One often hears new mothers say that they feel like their husbands see them more as the mothers of their children than the attractive, exciting women they married--and also that they feel they don't match up to the single, younger women their husbands may meet at the office, gym, etc.
I think those issues are common to both men and women. But I wonder how common it is for women to feel inadequate at the beginning of the relationship which would be closer to my experience, as well as some of the others mentioned here. When I read this post, I thought Hmmm Your girlfriend's physical safety is more important than anything else.
But in the normal case? You I mean "one" but you know just think you're not wonderful enough for her? I think you owe her honesty and from then on it's just monitoring your own condition. Not because you're paternalistic but just because some relationships aren't healthy for anyone. We all know enough to move out of the house on Three Mile Island. Note I did have a friend who married a guy who felt this way. She was a bit of a superstar and he was a very cool deep thinker type who was 12 yrs older than she was. She was 24 or so when they married. I think it would have been better for him to tell her once how he felt, then get counseling and deal with it with his therapist.
I also wonder how much of this attitude is really about the woman. A final thought--some people feed other people's insecurity, so that's something to watch for too. I've got a language teacher who does this weird passive-aggressive thing with the two best students in class. But if she was a man and I was in a relationship with her, I would end it immediately. I am convinced that that kind of subtle interpersonal ill-wishing just can't be ironed out. It's too deeply rooted in insecurity. Okay, I've gone full circle--but the point is that some of these women who appear "too good" might be selecting exactly the guy they can make feel that way.
Certainly, not all cases of feelings of inadequacy are the same, and I'm sure many fit the patterns you describe so well above. One way I've dealt with it in the past resembles what you recommend in your second paragraph: I tell the woman that I don't think I'm good enough for her, and if she disagrees, fine. But I ask her to promise that, if she ever changes her mind, she would never stay just to spre my feelings. If I trusted her to leave if I ever became inadequate in her eyes, then I could stop dwelling on my own feelings of inadequacy.
Seems to have worked! You have a point about predators, that single out insecure individual. But how to stay away? For ex. I'm a narcissist in a bad way and have always targeted men with this self-loathing syndrome, described in the blog. I derive pleasure from being perceived as 'too good to be true', goddes-like, superior to him. I manipulate him through his guilt to accommodate my narcissistic needs and thank me for it.
Thus he becomes my enabler, co-narcissist etc. He seeks that because he gets to hide behind me. I seek that because I get to puff up. Instead of a safe sanctuary he finds himself in the cage of a sadistic, overly critical, power- hungry beast and suffers his feeling of inadequacy to be blown out of proportion even further by me.
And instead of becoming the cruel, but adored goddes ruling over his world I get rejected out of his mis-placed feelings of chivalry to spare me to have to bear his useless self. Now, this interaction can't be healthy, nor pretty, nor satisfying to any of the parties involved. He craves someone like me, though. He has ever since he's known himself.
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His self-loathing has taken over his subconscious and he's developed a very kinky, very powerful and demanding sexuality, that needs a narcissistic figure to revolve around. Now, how do you stay away from what you crave and isn't there a more fulfilling way out that can accommodate the attraction, but eliminate the harm? It's funny I had a female friend saying that some men are like this.
But for me, I came to this topic, because I was thinking of this guy I used to like, and for many reasons it broke up. Now he is married, bought a house, completed his MBA, has a good looking wife, does weekend trips. I realized that he was probably better off without me, based on his current success and it makes me sad. For instance, you don't know how happy he would have been had you stayed together, nor do you know how happy he really is now. Sometimes the people who seem the most successful are the least satisfied with their lives.
And even if you assume that he is happier now than he would have been with you which you can never know , that doesn't mean you weren't "good enough" for him; maybe you just weren't the right people for each other you for him, and him for you. Getting ready for work this morning, and noticed what triggers this feeling in me. My wife is getting ready for work and I can't take my eyes off her - she's stunningly beautiful! And the next thought is to think about all her co-workers and boss who get to spend the day with her.
No way they'll get any work done today. Seriously though, and I the only one who get knots in his stomach about this? Not good enough? Who's good enough for this women - wow! It is a very good and informative article indeed. It is great to have such a nice articles. It really helps me to enhance my knowledge. I hope to see more articles in future. Was looking around after my girlfriend broke up with me. She gave me an explanation along the lines of "I'm not good enough for you. This is a woman who's put together some great events in the music scene in my area, but who is completely convinced she's a failure as a DJ, promoter and web-designer.
When she broke it off, I did whatever I could to remind her that I was happy and that I'd thought she was happy as well. I can't help but wonder if this reason is being used as a smokescreen, and I'm not sure if that'd be better or worse. I'm in a relationship with someone I love very much. I don't know why, but for some reason her parents don't approve of me.
I get the silent treatment from her mother, and her dad doesn't think much of me. She has a 6yo boy, and her parents are very protective of him the only grandchild. She was married and divorced, and her parents feel she made a mistake. They are very religious, and don't think divorce is an option. They treat her ex like he is still part of the family, inviting him with the son over for dinner sometimes, and even for Christmas last year, and the 4th of july this year.
She has a sister that can pass as her twin, never been married, no kids. She met a guy she thinks is great. The CEO of a company, very well off, everything about this guy is perfect I know before you say, that he is not. The parents are all about this guy. A little about me now. After high school I went into the military. Did 12 years, had a great career I was very proud of. Got hurt 6 years ago, and was forced out shortly after. The combination of that and the recession put me jobless, and pretty much homeless. I have tried to get on my feet many times.
I just buckle down and work for the money no matter the job now because I have bills to pay. A little about her. We met and it was kind of like love at first sight. We went on our first date, and never looked back. I love her so much, and I know she loves me. She is the best gf I have ever known. She has had to have taken everything she has ever learned from any past relationship and applied it to this one, because it is great. However, the kind of guy she has always dated before has been very successful. I can safely say that I am the lowest ranking guy ever for her, in a professional sense.
Her sister became privy to this information, and it spread like wildfire. They clearly compare me to her sisters man, including her sister. You can imagine how well that goes over with her family by now. I have tried, and went over there with great intentions, only to get the silent treatment and overhear how great her sisters man is, and all the great things he does while my piece of crap truck is parked in the driveway next to his pristine 60k truck that he paid cash for.
Only a few of those visits and I told her the last time was the last time. We tried to break away from her family, and moved to a city that was about 2 hours away. This nearly threatened her relationship with her family, because how were they going to be able to see their only grandchild now? The great job she thought we had moved there for fell through.
Her sister is getting married next month, and you would think it was a royal wedding. Of course my gf was put in charge of the wedding, more nose is left that needs to be rubbed in I guess. Lately I have been thinking that I am not good enough for her. It never used to bother me before, but after we came back from that city, I was pretty much an even more broken man. She and her son are staying with her parents, and they are ecstatic about that. I have had a lot of time to think about our relationship lately. I see nothing that I am bringing to the table, other than my love for her. We have talked a little bit about our long term future.
She wants to get married and have a couple of kids. I can imagine having a nice house, a family with her, and a happy life. Yes, I could stay with her and I would be set for life. Knowing that makes me feel guilty about what she is ending up with. Behind the rose colored glasses of love is reality, and daily life.